Beginning to Build a Project (Emo Post)
I am an organized person. That's not saying a lot, but its something I hold dear to me. Organization helps me make sense. Especially in my attempts to be a creative person, I've found that organization can be a nice fall back. Organizing things can be a way to take a break from being "creative". It is hard to be creative all the time.
It's funny. I thought that going through da Vinci would give me confidence enough to push through times like this. And it has. I know that I can do it. I just don't know if I am able to do it well. I'm working full time for a creative startup, helping write a childrens book, launch a kickstarter, and build out their social media and website. Its been almost a full two weeks, and I honestly feel like I've done almost nothing. I feel like I am dead weight, simply posting, researching best practices, and pushing out drafts of copy for things that I am unsure we even need. I feel like I'm wasting their money. I feel like I am not worth what I am charging for my time.
I'm not looking for people to comment on this and tell me that I can do it. That won't help. Regardless of what anyone thinks and anyone says, this will always be a completely personal battle. There is no one that can prove to me that I am worth it.
So I just have to pretend.
I've been coming up with quotes for social media posts that could have, theoretically, come "from" the monsters in our book. Things that they might have said, or things that might have been said by other "famous" monsters from their world. World-building through quotes. Cute, right?
One of my quotes is "Sometimes pretending to be courageous is the first step toward actually being courageous."
Sometimes you have to pretend to be worth it before you think or know you are actually worth it.
Reminding yourself that everyone who ever worked for something and succeeded had no idea what they were doing at first. Everyone has to learn. Even if they have someone at the helm for their first big success. I'm working for two people who trust me and thought that I would be worth it. I'm 28 years old, dammit. I should be worth something by now. I should have a unique perspective to offer. Just because I hear my own thoughts everyday doesn't mean they aren't new and interesting to other people. Just because I think I'm boring doesn't mean that other people feel the same way.
I don't know how to blog. This probably should have gone in my journal. I'm not sure if what we are supposed to post here is emotional ramblings or structured updates to the course of our projects. Either way, this is where I'm at.
Alan Ireland (Vollmer)
It's funny. I thought that going through da Vinci would give me confidence enough to push through times like this. And it has. I know that I can do it. I just don't know if I am able to do it well. I'm working full time for a creative startup, helping write a childrens book, launch a kickstarter, and build out their social media and website. Its been almost a full two weeks, and I honestly feel like I've done almost nothing. I feel like I am dead weight, simply posting, researching best practices, and pushing out drafts of copy for things that I am unsure we even need. I feel like I'm wasting their money. I feel like I am not worth what I am charging for my time.
I'm not looking for people to comment on this and tell me that I can do it. That won't help. Regardless of what anyone thinks and anyone says, this will always be a completely personal battle. There is no one that can prove to me that I am worth it.
So I just have to pretend.
I've been coming up with quotes for social media posts that could have, theoretically, come "from" the monsters in our book. Things that they might have said, or things that might have been said by other "famous" monsters from their world. World-building through quotes. Cute, right?
One of my quotes is "Sometimes pretending to be courageous is the first step toward actually being courageous."
Sometimes you have to pretend to be worth it before you think or know you are actually worth it.
Reminding yourself that everyone who ever worked for something and succeeded had no idea what they were doing at first. Everyone has to learn. Even if they have someone at the helm for their first big success. I'm working for two people who trust me and thought that I would be worth it. I'm 28 years old, dammit. I should be worth something by now. I should have a unique perspective to offer. Just because I hear my own thoughts everyday doesn't mean they aren't new and interesting to other people. Just because I think I'm boring doesn't mean that other people feel the same way.
I don't know how to blog. This probably should have gone in my journal. I'm not sure if what we are supposed to post here is emotional ramblings or structured updates to the course of our projects. Either way, this is where I'm at.
Alan Ireland (Vollmer)
Thanks for sharing this! (And in regards to posting it here -- we are going to send weekly prompts for everyone to respond to, however, please feel free to use the space for whatever you would like during the class. All that to say, ramblings (emotional or otherwise) are fine.
ReplyDeleteI'm participating in a mastermind group for writers and the person leading the group has this great concept about "Cave Trolls"- which are these negative thoughts that show up again and again when we are pursuing creative work and/or new projects. So in this case, you're dealing with an "I'm not worth this "cave troll (my most recent visitor was an "everything I write is mindless drivel" troll). He talks about and how they show up for everyone, and that it really isn't about getting rid of them, as much as learning to work with/around/through them. Make their voices quieter over time.
All that to say, sounds like you are on to something with pretending to be courageous. Also-- I love that you gave that quote to one of the monsters!
I really appreciate this post. I think we have probably all been there. One of the reasons I enjoy working with young professionals and startups is that it reminds me what a grind it really is to accomplish something. I still find it bizarre when people read my bio and it sounds so cheery. I know behind everything "cool" I ever did was a lot of hard work and plenty of doubt along the way, but once its done it those details are the first to fade.
DeleteOne of the favorite ways of approaching times like this is to think about the end result and work backward. A great speaker once talked about the accomplishment of climbing Everest and starting with imagining yourself on the very peak and what it would be like, and the step you had to take right before the summit, and the step before that one, and so on until you work your way all the way down the mountain and back to the day you thought about climbing Everest. I don't know if that's helpful, but I also like to know that folks who have done incredible things had to take all those first scary steps to get there.
Alan, you aren't alone. At least once a week I feel overwhelmed and as if I'm not meeting everything that I need to do. It used to paralyze me; what helped me most is to just figure out what needs to be done and just start doing it. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but nothing is more rewarding than getting to check off things from your list of things to do when you feel overwhelmed and get to literally see the burden lighten before your eyes.
ReplyDelete